Home - The Comfort Of Familiarity

The same old creaking sound of the gate greets me and looking down the pathway on which I've done a thousand and one things and more brings an ear-to-ear grin to my face . Seeing my mom stand at the door sends the fatigue of the journey flying . My heart does a little somersault and gives itself a high five as I go in and notice all the minute changes since I've last been here . More importantly , I take comfort from all those familiar unchanged objects , in their same old places , all those tiny nooks and corners , embracing in their intimacy . The same old teddy staring from atop the television . Mr.Laughing Buddha smiling at me from the bookshelf . Lord Venketeshwara keeping an eye on me from the walls of my bedroom . The unkempt garden at the back of the house . My brother , sister , grandpa and last but not the least , Mr.Sols , my pseudo-brother . Even as I unpack my luggage , strong coffee smell wafts into the room , the familiar red nescafe cup in my mom's hands . I settle comfortably into the sofa and spread out The Hindu , M S Subbalakshmi's voice singing the Suprabatham in the background .
Ah , finally , back home again .

Green

(this was my entry for the green themed contest on IAW on orkut)

The moment I think of the word 'green' , NATURE pops up in my mind . Trees , more specifically leaves . Bright , lively green comes first before I think of the deep,mysterious woods of Enid Blyton novels and the green in my mind goes dull and dark . Then I think of pictures of green seas , where the water appears to be more like some kind of a giant martini of green color . And it is at this exact progression that Karla enters into my thought process . The infinitely mysterious Karla . Each and every person who has read Shantaram will know exactly what I mean . The green eyes , the green skirt , the leaves with that precise shade of green that Linbaba sees in Mauritius ( is it Mauritius only or have I forgotten? ) . I keep thinking about Karla for a long time before I realize I have a post to finish . And then , I think of BRUT , the deodorant . A striking metallic green . Various other objects come into my mind - mountain dew , lord of the rings movies , my guitar case , the od old car I used to see near my school . But I keep coming back to Karla . For this shade of green that is the green that I can't think of in my mind . The one green I would love to see the most but something I know I can't ever .

Hope

If you've seen this very popular tsunami video , the water recedes back quite a bit and then this huge,HUGE wave comes crashing out ,out of the blue . Similarly , there are times in life when you are going through a dark phase but the thought of something better , something you cherish , something so special you can't even describe it properly just makes you swell up with a gigantic wave of happiness . The very thought of it makes you burst out in a hopeless grin . In shawshank redemption , Red says that hope can drive a man insane , but I feel , in reality , hope is what drives the world . Hope , that you are gonna be part of a brighter future , a happier scene , a satisfied moment , at peace with the world with all the faults in it . This single hope pushes back all the other seemingly inconsequential issues into the dark . You start counting the weeks , the days , then you fervently tick off the minutes . Your mind tingles in anticipation . You blush for no reason , you are that happy .
I am .
Come Friday , I'll be leaving for home .

Loneliness - Rewritten

I live amidst thousands of people on campus . Five thousand odd students . Another 5000+ campus residents . Apart from thousands of others going to and coming from the notorious Nankari region . There are innumerable forums to voice our views , most notably the internet . The counseling service sole purpose of existence is to make sure I don't feel too depressed .
There are 'bhais' and 'wingies' to have discussions on anything I want to . There is a 'baap' to ensure I get properly oriented to this place . So many clubs , so many groups , all to make sure none of my hidden talents go wasted . So many people , so many activities .
Night -long brainstorming sessions followed by relaxing tea breaks at MT , and then to sleep , to big,big dreams , revolutionary ideas , path breaking innovations . So many people , so many ideas , so many discussions , so many activities . So much I've done ; so much I am doing ; so much I've yet got to do .
Stop .
Why in fucken hell then am I feeling so lonely here ?
Long,long pause .
Am I lonely or do I see myself as being lonely ? I definitely am not lonely in a physical sense . But even speaking of the mental plane , am I really lonely ? Or am I just convincing myself that I am lonely ? The latter seems more convincing for the moment . Yes , I am just fooling around with myself . Heck, I am NOT lonely . Atleast do not feel that way right now .
So long till I feel lonely enough to sit down and write such crap as I have just written .
Ha Ha Ha Ha .

IDENTITY

Of whatever I can remember of my short life so far , I've always been defending one culture or the other . Sometimes at the cost of another dear one even . It was telugu films , telugu culture while I was in school . Not a week used to pass without an argument over whether telugu heroes were more ridiculous or tamil heroes were more ridiculous . Once I moved to Hyderabad , it was exactly the same argument , only I was arguing for the tamil heroes this time around . I should have been happy with what I had and realized there was worse to come . Now in Kanpur , i have it upon myself to defend both Tamil and Telugu films apart from the occasional argument for Mallu films as well . Whats more , it's not just films anymore . The boundaries have been pushed back to include language , food , dressing styles , religion , marriage and what not . Each and every facet of our way of living has been argued over , always with two sides at the least ,mostly North and South .
Even as I struggle to break out of these societal bindings , I wonder what IS my culture ? What am I ? Chennai-ite? IITian ? Golti ? Indian ? Or should I restrict myself to a South Indian ? Or am I a global citizen ? Decide on one and arguments pop up for the others .
It's not just me either . Most students here are trying to come up with a fixed identity for themselves . And once they do , they start closing their mind for other suggestions , other options and stand steadfast by their identities , irrespective of whether their identities are justified or not . A self-professed fan of SRK is never gonna(mostly) accept that SRK is no better than Rajni , while a strictly Rajni fan might not be able to come to peace with the fact that Rajni is no longer the amazing performer he once was . You might be wondering...is this all part of one's identity ? Do our fave heroes , our food habits form a part of our identity ? Definitely . People fucken die for Rajni man .
Lets get back to the topic . Identity . Can anyone have a fixed identity which isn't ever gonna change ? Say , you have never tasted coffee but strictly believe you won't like it . One day , your girlfriend forces you to drink some coffee she made and you realize you actually like it . Love it infact . More than your girlfriend even . Does this change your identity?? You bet it does . From a dumb , idiotic,ignorant moron , you become a coffee loving,dumb,idiotic,ignorant moron .
Again, so what constitutes an Identity ? Or can we even say X , Y and Z form part of your identity while A,B and C don't ? Heck, first break out of the narrow confines of your mind and come to terms with the fact that a person can't ever have a fixed Identity . Yes, you do have an identity but it keeps changing . Continuously . Perennially .
So, what am I now ? I am just Pavan Madhini . What you make of me is your problem and not mine . I am happy the way I am - a continually changing , confused, confident , cool chap who is a Chennai-ite at heart . As of now .

Loneliness

My first really long poem . Comments are specially requested , irrespective of how you feel the poem is .


Amidst thousands of people on campus ,
With dozens of Clubs and groups around
Various forums to voice our views
Counseling service to listen to our woes
Bhais and wingies to share our happiness
academic batchmates to crack problems together
Security gaurds to provide what else , security
and an administration making sure you become a success

Going to classes together ,
Eating our meals in huge companionship
Spending night-outs in brain-storming sessions
Going to MT for relaxing the mind
and coming back for a sleep to dream big dreams
waking up again
going to classes together

So many people
So many activities
So much I've done
So much I am doing
And So much there is to be done
But I pause for a moment
and reflect on how lonely I really am .

Further I reflect , further I feel
Am I really lonely ?
Or is it just that I like feeling that way ?
I like things the way they are
I like speaking to my friends
I just love the brain storming sessions
Lonely , I definitely am not
So i asked , What is it ?
Suddenly , feeling lonely was not feeling so good .
And I stopped feeling lonely altogether .
After all , it's all in the mind
And the mind is what matters.
And I am a happy person on the go again .

RED

Anger . Love . Valentines . Girls . SinCity . Blood . Anukokunda Oka Roju . Charmy . Manchester United . Liverpool , Arsenal . Ferrari . Schumi . Mrunal . My name is RED . Blood again . Zimbabwe . Coca-Cola . Redheads . Archie . Lipstick . Communists . Karl Marx . Sauce . Chicken Tikka . My back pack . Blood again . And again . I know , I am psychotic . Ducati 999 . My fake Nike tee . Trying to think of more "RED" stuff . Blank . Still Blank . End of lecture . End of post .